I'm not sure I know anyone personally who would tell me they are for bullying, but I do believe that at some point in our lives we have either been the perpetrator or the victim of it in one way or another. I've seen bullying in many forms. So, I'm going to share some personal experiences with you, if you're interested. And, I'm putting some folks on notice, too.
Recently, I was accused of bullying someone who was trashing me publicly on his Facebook page. He made claims that were completely untrue about me and jumped into the middle of something that wasn't his business. When I confronted him on it, he told me he wouldn't be bullied by me.
My first reaction was shock, because I used to be the kid in school who stood up to all of the bullies. The younger/smaller/weaker kids would all come find me on the playground to let me know someone was being bullied, and I'd come racing to their defense. My mother, who was very much concerned with her reputation in society, was always dismayed when she heard I'd been playing protector/defender of the playground masses. Exasperated, one day she told my 9 year old self, "You really do have to stop picking up strays."
But, I couldn't.
I've never been one who could leave that kind of thing alone. I can't watch someone be harmed by another and just sit by or walk away and let it happen.
It stuck with me right through high school. I remember one incident like it was yesterday- I was on lunch break and hanging outside (pretty fall day) with some of my friends. I was a senior and pretty popular in high school. A young girl I'd never met before came running up to me and breathlessly said, "They've got *M* pinned under the stairwell.. come quick!".. I remembered later that I finally knew what it was like to "see red". I took off running as fast as I could.
You see, "M" was the sister of one of my favorite people in school. John was a love. He was kind, smart, and genuinely nice to everyone. His little sister had Down's Syndrome, and she was being mainstreamed for the first time this year. All I could think of was how absolutely terrified she must be right now, and although I was an athlete, I couldn't seem to run fast enough to get there.
The girl who came to get me didn't know me. She knew "of" me. And, as we were running, she told me that this group of girls had pulled down M's shorts in front of the whole gym class just 30 minutes prior to this, and they were now ganging up on her under the second floor stairwell (3-story high school building).
When I arrived, a crowd had gathered to see what was going on. I pushed my way through them, and got to the source. There were five of them, all first year students of the high school. Their 'leader' was the one doing all of the talking. There, under the stairs, cowering in the corner, was M.
She was petrified.
I was livid.
The little gang leader didn't see me, but the crowd had parted, and I stood right behind her while I heard her spew the most hateful, venomous words possible to someone who couldn't possibly have done anything to harm her, ever. So, I cleared my throat really loudly and said, "EXCUSE ME". The leader about jumped out of her skin. She turned around and looked up to see me towering over her. The look of recognition and fear that washed over her face almost made me feel sorry for her... almost-
Because I wasn't deterred.
I said (just as loudly so the crowd could hear), " Just who the HELL do you think you are and what are you DOING?" Her friends started to take off and leave her there, but to my surprise, several of my own friends had followed me and grabbed them up saying things like "Just where do you think you're going?"
I informed this little gang and ALL of those standing around that M was to be considered my little sister going forward. Several of my friends chimed in with, "Mine too." I moved between M and the lead bully, and continued. Looking directly at them, I said, "I am a senior here, as most of you know. I'll be attending college locally, and I have friends who will be here until M graduates. If she so much as skins her knee here, I'm blaming it on you and will act accordingly. If she ever has any kind of bad day, whether that's 'accidentally losing her shorts in gym class' or she doesn't have someone to sit with at lunch, I'm blaming it on you and will act accordingly. Going forward, M is going to have the absolutely BEST high school experience anyone EVER had, or I'm coming for you. Are we clear?"
My friends all affirmed their willingness to also carry out this mandate and the newly reformed bullies all nodded in agreement and begged for mercy. I got oaths of loyalty, fealty, honor.. you name it.. anything me and my friends wanted. And, they couldn't get out of there fast enough. We then turned our attention to M, who had stopped crying but was still shaking pretty badly. We took her to the office, and explained what happened. From there, the counselor called her mom and she went home a little early that day.
Funny thing, from that day forward, M never once had a bad day at school. She became popular, was in several clubs, had tons of friends to sit with and people who genuinely liked her. The bullies apologized to her of their "own volition" and all was well in her world. I lost touch with her after I went in the Navy, but I sure hope her fun memories totally out-weighed that act of terrorism she experienced in those first few weeks of school.
Frankly, that's what bullying is- it's designed to create terror. To make someone afraid for being different. Its effects are supposed to make the victim feel scared, isolated and minimized.
So, to be called a bully myself was something I really wasn't prepared to read. So, by standing up to the bullies by fighting back.. am I a bully?
I mean, I could have gone to the principal's office instead of heading there directly myself. But, we've all been in school. We know that doesn't stop the problem. Authority figures don't have anywhere near the power to stop these terrorists like peers do. What about my more recent accuser? Was I a bully for giving him the choice to leave me alone or I'd lay all of his um... stuff... bare??
Then, I remembered something Abraham Lincoln once said:
"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?
Four.
Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."
Sorry, I don't think so. I was always taught to use the minimal force necessary to be effective. I choose my battles wisely.
I wasn't the bully back in high school. Nor, was I the bully when I was accused of it, blatantly.
I was the one being cornered on the proverbial stairs. I hadn't bothered this person. I wasn't the bully for standing up for myself. He was attempting to turn the tables on me and make me the perpetrator for standing up against his bullying. He attacked me, blatantly lied about me and my friends, all for his own insidious purposes.
And, I called him on it.
And, he stopped.
And, if he hadn't, I would have fought back hard.
Because, I have always stood up to bullies, and I'm just as valuable to defend as anyone else I've fought for.
Now, I realize that my little experience there is nothing compared to what M or those who have gone through those similar situations. But, bullying comes in many forms:
- I see the President being bullied by the right wing pundits and the Republican Presidential candidate. They lie about him, distort the truth and use the most dishonorable tactics possible to 'win'. Much like what happened to me, this is bullying.
- I've seen friends who are so scared of the "mean girls" on the internet that they won't say anything or stand up to them for fear of reprisal. They're being bullied into silence.
- I've seen my LGBT friends have to put up with "gay jokes".. "all in good fun"- that's bullying as well.
- The young girl who recently was voted onto the homecoming court as a "joke"- that's bullying.
- Trying to stop U.S. citizens from marrying whomever they want, simply because you don't like them and your religion tells you it's okay to be hateful- yep, bullying.
- Telling women to shut up, sit down, get back in the kitchen, they aren't as good as men, they don't deserve equal pay for equal work- bullying.
- Racial jokes, bigotry, etc..- bullying.
And, I'm here to say, it's not acceptable. I'll stand up and fight you for this one. And, you can call me names and claim I throw tantrums, and lie about me and do whatever you want. But, you bullies need to know that your time is up, and I'm not alone.
People have had enough of your entitlement and superiority complexes, and we're just not going to walk away. We're not going to let you gain power for fear you'll turn on one of us next. You see, we really ARE more powerful because we are the majority. Because we don't care what you try to do to us for standing up for what's right. Because no matter how insidious your bullying becomes, we recognize it for what it is. And, we're going to call you on it, and stop you.
My friend Robin Larkspur reminded me the other day that I once said, "I will not yield. I will not back down". Best you bullies recognize that now.
