The Ass and the Mule (Aesop's Fables)
A MULETEER set forth on a journey, driving before him an Ass and a Mule, both well laden. The Ass, as long as he traveled along the plain, carried his load with ease, but when he began to ascend the steep path of the mountain, felt his load to be more than he could bear. He entreated his companion to relieve him of a small portion, that he might carry home the rest; but the Mule paid no attention to the request. The Ass shortly afterwards fell down dead under his burden. Not knowing what else to do in so wild a region, the Muleteer placed upon the Mule the load carried by the Ass in addition to his own, and at the top of all placed the hide of the Ass, after he had skinned him. The Mule, groaning beneath his heavy burden, said to himself: "I am treated according to my deserts. If I had only been willing to assist the Ass a little in his need, I should not now be bearing, together with his burden, himself as well."
Now, the moral of this story is that if mule had just shared the small burden, he wouldn't have to carry it all. But, there's another lesson to learn here.
I like helping people. If I am successful at something and I see someone else trying to get to where I am, I try to support their endeavor by lending a hand in pulling them up with me. I love seeing other people reach that point of achieving goals and feeling good about that accomplishment.
That doesn't always come with an attitude of gratitude. More often than not, it's rife with the opposite. People will see me doing something and want what I have without having to put in the work that I did to achieve it, and if I help them, I get stabbed in the back and have my good name dragged through the muck.
I try to take the high road, and they decide that since they're walking with me and I'm not doing anything about it, it's time to stab me some more. If I complain or say something to them directly, I am treated to a shock-and-awe campaign of passive-aggressive behaviors in an attempt to make me believe that my intuition/observation is not at all correct. If we part ways, I'm barraged with verbal and written attacks on my character, my motivations, etc... no matter what I do, I'm the bad guy... even though I did nothing to warrant the attacks.
I know you've been there, too. It's painful when it happens. And, there's a lesson in this for both of us.
We can't carry it all for them. When we do, they'll try to suck us dry, and when we've finally had enough, they'll try to bury us.
You can't always be the good guy in a situation. You can't always be the kind one who takes it in the shorts and just keeps on going. You have to draw the line at what you will and will not tolerate. Sometimes, you just have to cut the ties without explanation and without discussion.
They don't appreciate what they haven't earned.
Case in point: My car. I allowed one of my kids and his girlfriend to drive my car short distances for awhile. They ran it so hard that I had to pay 750.00 to fix everything they messed up on it. They destroyed one of the car door handles inside the passenger's side. It got to a point where I had to tell them that they couldn't drive it anymore. They didn't pay to have it fixed and there were never apologies. It was just not theirs, so they couldn't appreciate what it took to earn that car and take care of it.
The same can be said for doing your own work- whether that's spiritually, in business, etc... if you didn't earn it, you can't appreciate it. If someone does too much for you, then you can't possibly have that same level of commitment as if you'd done it on your own.
You can't do it for them. You can help carry the load.
I can't help those that won't help themselves. I can't be someone's doormat just to take the high road, and neither can you. At some point, we have to realize that no matter what we say or do, we have to teach others how to treat us by our own actions and decisions. I can help you if you want to work. I have been around the block a few times, and I am a learning and development expert. I'm good at teaching. I'm not good at doing it for someone- he/she won't appreciate that much effort on my part.What we can do is be selective in who we help. Be watchful as they learn. Are they growing? Are they doing the work for themselves? Is there progress along the way?
Make sure you do attitude checks as well. It's okay for a student or someone you're mentoring to occasionally be frustrated. That's a natural reaction to making mistakes and not being perfect on the first try. It's not okay if they consume too much of your time with emotional baggage and passive-aggressive behaviors. I've seen way too many a 'student' bad-mouthing a teacher when the teacher wasn't looking.
STOP.THAT.IN.ITS.TRACKS.
If they're behaving this badly with you now while you're helping them, they'll continue the behavior if you just drop them. You can't teach the unteachable. They aren't worth the heartache they'll cause you if you keep them around. In the end, you'll let them go, after they've left a wake of devastation around for you to clean up.. and carry.
My advice is to not be the ass or the mule in this situation. Don't take on more than you can carry. Share the burden, but don't do it for someone. Make them work and earn what they have. Otherwise, you're just carrying a dead ass up a steep hill.