As Witches, Pagans, Spiritual Atheists, Heathens, etc... it can be almost impossible to find others in our physical area with which to associate. In the world of online social media, friendships can be forged that are almost if not (in some cases) deeper and more lasting than those in the 'real world'.
As this type of interaction becomes more of the norm, we begin to see, tolerate or display behaviors that are harmful to others and ourselves, and it's up to us to confront them and eliminate them before they become what's tolerated/welcomed in this online world.
Disclaimer: I've been guilty of at least one (or more) of these behaviors at some point in my life. So, there's no judgment, no pointing fingers here, and I'm not directing this at any one person. These are just some observations for us to consider together, and decisions to make (both individually and as a group) on how we'll handle them going forward. I ask that you read this carefully, examine yourself, your associations and the behaviors you may or may not tolerate while interacting in these venues.
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You've seen them before. You know exactly what I mean. Those tweets or status messages that call someone out without referring to them directly.
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Anonymity Breeds Boldness
That we can hide behind a keyboard and computer screen allows a certain freedom and feeling of impertinence not found in face-to-face interactions. Through our history, we've learned and adapted to social norms and acceptability by reading body language. According to author James Borg, 93% of our communication is through reading body language, with only 7% of the communication being the actual words we say.
The advent and popularity of the telephone and subsequently, the internet in the 19th and 20th centuries has required that humans adapt to these non face-to-face interactions. Adaptation requires time, and we're still learning how to do that. For many people, it is easier to communicate via text because they can "think before typing", or edit themselves where that's not possible face-to-face.
Unfortunately, many people who, when interacting with someone they can physically see, would conduct themselves in a much kinder fashion. In this type of instant communication, it's as if they have a new license in freedom; the license to badger, harass and insult others because they see no repercussions for those actions.
The following are what I call "The Masks of Social Media". They originate from this mold of anonymity, and their impact affects us all.
Passive-Aggressive Posts/Memes, etc...
You've seen them before. You know exactly what I mean. Those tweets or status messages that call someone out without referring to them directly. Things like:
"There comes a time when a friendship has to end because you just don't seem to get that your ego is bigger than the Empire State Building"
"You b*tch! Who the hell do you think you are doing this to me and my family? You have another thing coming if you think I'm going to just lay down and take this!!"
"You are such a fake. You put on an act here, but we all know what you're really like"
A meme that obviously is shared as a direct target against someone.
"I need a support group after dealing with someone on here"
And, the list goes on. I've even seen people who post status messages directed at people who have blocked them.. ???
Passive-aggressive posting does not reveal true friendship. It reveals cowardice, unkindness, and a lack of love within the heart of the person posting. True friends discuss things with one another directly, working through candid communication and a desire to honor and respect one another in love. The latter brings about resolution, growth and bond-strengthening. The former creates humiliation, resentment and discord. Isn't there enough of that in the world already?
Truthful Aggression
There's another more aggressive menace- the "truth" cloaked in hatefulness. You know these folks. "I'm just being honest" or "I tell people like it is. They just can't handle the truth". These people find that boldness from behind the screen gives them a vehicle through which they can directly insult others with the most vitriolic language possible. They are shocked or dismayed when they are "unfriended", "blocked" or reported for harassment. Instead of taking an introspective look, they justify their behavior and project it on to their victims with statements like "people just don't like me because I'm honest with them". No, that's mean-spirited, angry, and it's a way to channel that into being hurtful using the mask of "Truth". Compassion is the vehicle through which truth should be delivered to a friend.
Mob Mentality
This is one of the most destructive masks on the interwebs. Two people get into an argument. Those who are friends with one or both of these people choose sides, and jump into the fray with abandon. Passive-aggressive and/or overtly aggressive behaviors begin to multiply. Insults and hurtful words are the ammunition gleefully lobbed onto the other side, not caring about who is right or wrong, nor about the innocent bystanders who are either hit or run for cover. They even bully those who have chosen to remain neutral, trying to use guilt, fear of being ostracized, etc... to force them into picking a side.
And, when the two people who argued make up, those who jumped into the fray can't seem to let it go. They weren't ready for this to all be over. They want to perpetuate this "war" by any means necessary. Or, because they chose a side, they don't know how to back out of this. They feel betrayed by the person whose side they chose. They have behaved badly out of loyalty, and now they are left holding responsibility for their actions; and, like a hot potato, they need to pass it to someone else quickly or get burned by it.
Jumping on this kind of bandwagon is never a good idea. It's usually the loyal side-choosers who hurt themselves most.
The Consequences
The term 'friend' has been redefined by Facebook, particularly. It's now a verb. To "friend" or "unfriend" is an act. And, at Facebook's inception, you had to know someone offline before you could be friends online. Now, it's more like a bunch of acquaintances and a few friends by our offline standards. It's akin to your working environment.
Most of the people with whom we work are acquaintances. We know how to behave professionally with them. We wouldn't throw insults at them, scream at them or treat them badly simply because they did something we didn't like. Most of us would lose a job for behaving in such a way.
When we see someone's body language, we tend to know when we are causing harm. We know when we are hurting someone's feelings, making him/her angry, sad, etc... we can "see" the pain we cause. We may know their personal circumstances, limitations such as disabilities, and emotional triggers, especially those we call "friends". We feel badly when we know we've hurt someone... at least most of us do.
It's too easy to dehumanize that person behind the screen; to forget that they have feelings, and families, and issues in their lives that make them just as human as the person we see in the mirror every day.
When someone posts those passive-aggressive memes and statuses, or becomes "truthfully aggressive", people who are generally "out of the loop" about the issue see the behavior.. they make a mental note, and they gravitate away from the person doing this. The person posting obtains a reputation for being childish, immature, mean-spirited, and generally someone to avoid.These folks may temporarily garner "likes" or sympathetic comments, but it's mostly done in the hopes that if pacified, the child will stop screaming and peace will once again reign over the interwebs.
For the mobsters who left a trail of mass-destruction, it will take a long time for everyone involved to recover, and some friendships, no matter how strong they may have been before, will not survive. There will be scars from this. There will be regrets. In the end, the question remains, "Was it worth all of this"? And the answer is always going to be, "no".
For those who think they are anonymous in their email and blog comments when harassing others, there are plenty of ways to trace an ip, even if one thinks he/she can re-route it. It's a matter of obtaining the right (a lot of times free) software. I don't mean the easy ones that say what city you're in.. they can go straight to the exact computer on which you're typing. You're never really safe behind that screen, and there could be legal ramifications depending on the type of harassment committed.
So, in truth, these masks that stem from our assumed anonymity are illusions.. and harmful illusions at that.
They elicit bullying, mob-mentality, dehumanizing others, causing harm and hatefulness, etc... these backfire and eventually come home to roost.
What harms one, harms us all, as the more we ignore or allow or perpetuate this behavior, the more it becomes the modus operandi of the online social world. It's time we look at ourselves in relationship to these behaviors and determine our own participation or association with them.
The way out of this is to simply stop wearing these masks, and remember the basic manners and social graces we've been taught since childhood. That's not being phony, it's called being polite. Remembering that there are actual people behind those screens, and if you have a 'harm none' philosophy, it's time to put that into action.
Being vulnerable is a scary thought for most people. To be compassionate and kind, we must be open. This leaves us susceptible to scrutiny, disapproval, being mocked, and any one of the results of those who like wearing the masks. The word vulnerable comes from the Latin "vulnus" which means "wound".
Living without the masks, being honest, standing up and saying, "I made a mistake" or "Wow, that hurt me when you did this" or "I am truly sorry I was so thoughtless and unkind" is real. It's human, and there's a strength that's built from the inside, rather than the mask that protects from without. If more of us would truly be ourselves, rather than just talking about it, we could live authentically and the world would benefit so much more from that.
The way out of this is to simply stop wearing these masks, and remember the basic manners and social graces we've been taught since childhood. That's not being phony, it's called being polite. Remembering that there are actual people behind those screens, and if you have a 'harm none' philosophy, it's time to put that into action.
Being vulnerable is a scary thought for most people. To be compassionate and kind, we must be open. This leaves us susceptible to scrutiny, disapproval, being mocked, and any one of the results of those who like wearing the masks. The word vulnerable comes from the Latin "vulnus" which means "wound".
Living without the masks, being honest, standing up and saying, "I made a mistake" or "Wow, that hurt me when you did this" or "I am truly sorry I was so thoughtless and unkind" is real. It's human, and there's a strength that's built from the inside, rather than the mask that protects from without. If more of us would truly be ourselves, rather than just talking about it, we could live authentically and the world would benefit so much more from that.
The philosopher Heraclitus said, "A man's character is his fate". Our individual and collective online character is our fate as well.
What will we choose?
What will we choose?